2011 Daily Irabu Forecast

Bottom of the Smurf, the score is Smurfed.

Turn on any sports talk show today and the buzz is all about MLB opening day with an occasional call about VCU. In the spirit of pre-season prognosticating the Daily Irabu would like to inform you on how the upcoming season will play out. For starters, unlike the NFL and NBA there will be no lockout! George Steinbrenner will not return from the dead, but we aren’t sure we can say the same about Pie Traynor. (See N.L. preview!) As you’ll see you won’t find predictions like ours anywhere else,and we guarantee that at least one of our predictions will come true. Without further ado, here is how the Junior Circuit shapes up!

A.L. EAST

1- Baltimore Orioles- The Birds played at a .596 clip with Buck Sholwater over 57 games so it’s no stretch to think they play at that clip for an additional 105 games. Vlad returns to the playoffs for the 7th time and Brian Matusz wins 20 games and gets an underwear deal just in time for the playoffs.

2- Toronto Blue Jays- Kyle Drabek wins the Rookie of the Year award 21 years after his dad took him the Cy Young hardware. Jose Bautista hits just under 40 homers, but the rest of the lineup pushes the team to 90+ wins and the first playoff appearance since Joe Carter’s walkoff in ’93.

3- Boston Red Sox- The Jarrod Saltalamacchia Catching experiment ends poorly as Salty gives up 300 SB’s by the all-star break including ten to teammate Carl Crawford. The Bosox hang on to win 85 games with David Ortiz behind the plate in the summer, but it’s only good enough for another third place finish.

4- New York Yankees- Mark Teixeira finally hits in April, but the “underdog” Yankees are plagued by injuries and old age throughout the summer. Dale Berra Day is an embarrassing endeavor and Derek Jeter falls one hit short of 3000 hits because of time missed from falling off the George Steinbrenner Monument in centerfield during pre-game warmups.

5- Tampa Bay Rays- As the Rays spiral into last place they consider returning the “Devil” to their team name. Manny ably replaces Carlos Pena in the lineup, but Johnny Damon never nears the results Carl Crawford produced as the Rays are no-hit victims six times during the 2011 season. In a clerical mistake the Rays trade David Price to the Angels for Scott Kazmir.

A.L. Central

1- Kansas City Royals- The Future is Now! Many believe the Royals are a handful of seasons away from being incredibly competitive. The Daily Irabu believes the winning starts as early as this season. Everyone sell your Bo Jackson jerseys on Ebay and make way for Mike Moustakas t-shirts!

2- Cleveland Indians- With the Phils and Yanks out of competition by the trade deadline, Cliff Lee and C.C. Sabathia return to the Tribe rotation. The Indians fall one game short of the Wild Card Blue Jays when they have to forfeit a game due to Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn Bobblehead night. Outraged fans toss their bobbleheads at the Blue Jays who claim Major League (the movie) is historically inaccurate because it came out around the time the Blue Jays were a dominant team.

3- Detroit Tigers- Miguel Cabrera is on his best behavior and no pitcher on the Tigers has a Perfect Game stolen by an umpire. However, the Tigers spend another year at or near .500 and third place.

Imagine Joey Belle in his prime wearing these?!?

4- Chicago White Sox- Ozzie Guillen is fired after he tweets that Michael Jordan was the greatest White Sox of all time. Adam Dunn continues his streak of hitting 40+ homers for a non-playoff team. The Chisox lead the league in scraped knees as they wear those short shorts from the 70s on Sunday home games.

5- Minnesota Twins- The Twinkies spend the entire regular season like it’s the playoffs…by losing often! Carl Pavano’s mustache gets into a fender bender and has season ending surgery.

A.L. West

1- Seattle Mariners- King Felix has 13 wins by the all-star break on his way to 20+ total on the season. Ichiro makes a run at his MLB record 262 hits in a season. Chone Figgins plays like it’s 2007 (.330). Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley, & Michael Pineada are the real deal as Ken Griffey, Jr. stays awake for a ceremony in his honor. While the M’s win an improbable ALW title, their record 116 win mark is long out of reach.

2- California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Los Angeles Anaheim California- Mrs. Autry will once again miss out on handing the AL trophy to the Angels, but it’s not hard to imagine the Halos placing as high as second. Solid starting pitching, stellar outfield defense (three CF’s), and a ban on walk-off homer celebrations should lead to a successful 2011 season.

3- Oakland Athletics- All attempts to impersonate the 2010 S.F. Giants fail when Bob Geren starts telling stories about his playing days as a member of the 71 win 1991 Yankees. Rich Harden’s chronic injuries turn out to be contagious and the A’s starting rotation misses close to 50 scheduled starts. Hideki Matsui retires when he finds out Rickey Henderson and Dennis Eckersley no longer play for the A’s.

Hideki Matsui reminds A's locker room that Derek Jeter once gave him a 50-story inflatable Godzilla

4- Texas Rangers- Ron Washington and Josh Hamilton spend too many nights on the town. The highlight of the season takes place on old-timers night when team President Nolan Ryan beats the crap out of Robin Ventura and no-hits the geriatric competition.

Playoffs: The Orioles defeat the Mariners in five after King Felix is exhausted from starting all five games for M’s. The Blue Jays revenge their 1985 ALCS loss to the Royals that only I remember. In the 2011 ALCS, the Baltimore Orioles defeat the Blue Jays on a fan interference disputed homerun in Game 7. Bud Selig still postpones instant replay, but states the O’s deserved the win as payback for the 1996 Jeff Maier botched call.

How much would you pay for a Mark Zuckerberg Rookie Card?! Click Baseball Card to see!

Now that we’ve established the Baltimore Orioles will return to the World Series we need to explain who their Senior Circuit opponent will be and how they will get there. The Daily Irabu predicts the 2011 World Series will be a rematch of the 1979 Fall Classic. How will this unlikely matchup reach fruition?! How will the Pirates end their North American Pro Sports record 18 losing seasons and defeat the Orioles?! They will combine two of America’s current infatuations….Mark Zuckerberg and Zombies!?!

N.L. East

1- Washington Nationals- Chien-Ming Wang and Oliver Perez combine for 32 wins and Stephen Strasburg returns for five key starts to fuel Nats 1st playoff appearance. Jayson Werth performs competantly warming a seat for eventual Nat Albert Pujols.

2- New York Mets- After several frustrating seasons the Mets finally catch some good breaks. Fans take off the brown bags as Beltran and Reyes contribute big-time in contract years. Chris Young and Chris Capuano round out an efficient if unspectactular rotation.

3- Florida Marlins- Hanley Ramirez makes a run at Triple Crown in his new-found role of voice of reason and clubhouse leader. Another Marlins pitcher produces a no-hitter while the Mets and Padres franchises remain at zero No-no’s

4- Atlanta Braves- Jason Heyward suffers sophomore slump and Freddie Freeman never gets on-track. Chipper Jones retires after walk-off homer ends Mets chances at playoff spot.

5- Philadelphia Phillies- The Phils establish a major league record with way too many 1-0 losses. The Halladay, Lee, Hamels, Oswalt foursome suffers from lack of support while the Phillies lineup decides to average 20.5 runs per game for Joe Blanton.

N.L. Central

1- Pittsburgh Pirates- On their way to a 19th consecutive losing season the Pirates are sold to Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg quickly hires Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network & Zombieland) as GM. Eisenberg’s first move is to sign Zombie SS Honus Wagner, Zombie 1b Willie Stargell, Zombie 3b Pie Traynor, and Zombie Outfield Waner’s Big Poison & Little Posion. The Pirates under Zuckerberg’s direction proceed to eat the brains of Larussa, Baker, and that guy who took over for Lou Piniella in Wrigley.

2- Chicago Cubs- Carlos Pena hits close to 60 homers and Ryne Sandberg leaves Phillies system to take over Cubs dream job when managers brain is eaten by Zuckerberg’s Zombie Pirates.

3- Houston Astros- With Cards and Reds managers out-of-the-way from Zombie brain purge the door is open for the Astros to magically finish third.

4- Milwaukee Brewers- While recovering from basketball injuries Zack Greinke is hurt playing Wii basketball. He doesn’t start for Brew Crew until August. Rickie Weeks delivers a 30-30 season that has fantasy owners raving. However the playoffs are nothing but a fantasy for diehard Brewers fans as Prince prepares a move to Cali.

5- St. Louis Cardinals- The Cards spend the entire season answering questions about Albert Pujol’s expiring contract. Adam Wainwright is missed and the Cardinals realize their hitting has tanked since Mark Mcgwire has been their hitting coach.

6- Cincinnati Reds- Aroldis Chapman is deported back to Cuba, but even more are stunned when Joey Votto is deported back to Canada. The Reds languish in last as the 2010 MVP is only available for the Interleague series with the Blue Jays.

Is this the year Pete Rose reveals he was the San Diego Chicken long before his Wrestlemania performance in the costume.

N.L. West

1- Arizona Diamondbacks- Kirk Gibson becomes the first player-manager since Pete Rose bet his way out of baseball. Gibson proceeds to hit a series of improbable pinch hit homeruns throughout late August and into September giving the D’backs the Western title.

2- Los Angeles Dodgers- The McCourts sell the Dodgers to the Wilpons who in turn sell the Mets to the McCourts. Don Mattingly stays without a World Series ring despite a Wild Card appearance by the Dodgers.

3- Colorado Rockies- The Rox annual 20 game win streak and run at the playoffs is halted when the Franchise Duo of Car-Go and Tulo collide on Delino Deshields Jr. bloop single in late September.

4- San Diego Padres- The Pads are as bad as everyone thought they would be in 2010.

5- San Francisco Giants-Pablo Sandoval eats too little and Tim Lincecum eats too much at In-N-Out Burgers. Brian Wilson’s beard enters a mental health facility and receives its own SpikeTV sitcom.

Playoffs: Zuckerberg’s Zombie Pirates sweep the Dodgers, Mattingly’s brain is spared. D’backs defeat the Nats in a series that only Bob Costas and Ken Burns watch. Pirates defeat D’backs on night when Arizona brings out Byun-Hyung Kim to throw out first pitch on tenth anniversary of D’backs World Series win.

World Series: In the 2000′s the city of Pittsburgh has won the Super Bowl and the Stanley Cup. In 2011, they will add the World Series to their recent treasure trove as Zombie Honus Wagner wins WS MVP. He will devour all remaining copies of his priceless T206 baseball card for good measure.

Real Men Wear Yellow.